New TV?

Iris Robinson, an MP, an MLA and a councillor, obtained £50,000 from two property developers.

The money was paid to her 19-year-old lover Kirk McCambley to help him launch a new cafe. She later asked him for £5,000 for herself.

Mrs Robinson was said to be unable to comment for health reasons.

Spotlight also reported that her husband Peter Robinson became aware of the money she had received from the developers.

There's a song in there right?

As I was boarding a crowded Hammersmith & City Line train from Kings Cross, the platform controller announced in a very thick Cockney accent, "Let the passengers off the train before boardin', people, that way there's more room for you to get on, y'see - come on now folks, use your loaf!"

A drunken young woman stumbles onto a Northern Line train with a group of her friends. Taking a moment to compose herself, she stands up straight, squares her shoulders, points to a man sitting in the middle of the carriage and announces in a loud voice: 'THAT man... is a lesbian! (*whispered*) Look, you can see it in his eyes!'

2 white blokes on a bus doing along by Denmark Hill.

White bloke #1 (looking out of the bus and onto the street): 'It's all shit round here.'
White bloke #2: 'All these fucking immigrants.'
White bloke #1: 'Yeah. If there was a country without immigrants I'd go and live there.'

Ed Note: And if there was a country like that and you moved there, who would want to come and visit you tosser ;-)

"All-you-can-drink" promotions could be banned and compulsory identity checks introduced under government proposals to crack down on alcohol abuse.

If the plans for England and Wales are approved, bars will also not be able to hold speed-drinking competitions.

Retailers or publicans in breach of the code could be fined or jailed.

ED Note: Yeah...thats all we need in this country, more fuckin drunks.

China rejects claims of cyber attacks on Google

China has denied any state involvement in alleged cyber attacks on Google and accused the US of double standards.

A Chinese industry ministry spokesman told the state-run Xinhua news agency that claims that Beijing was behind recent cyber attacks were "groundless".

"Isn't it true that even in the United States, the homeland of Google, certain government agencies are also reported of often entering a massive number of personal e-mail accounts with certain excuses?"
China Daily newspaper

( ED Note: If you want my opinion they should take all the stinkin corrupt Chinese leaders into the middle of Tienanmen square and beat the shit out of them with cricket bats and then dump them in the poorest part of China to recoup, and see how long they last without their mistresses, Mercedes, French Chefs and Servants )

Two girls, 14-15 years old, are talking.

Girl #1: "So he got you roses for Valentines day, did he?"
Girl #2: "Yeah..."
Girl #1: "Even though you told him you cheated??"
Girl #2: "Yep"
Girl #1: "So why are you not happy?"
Girl #2: "Well, I'm thinking about dumping him..."
Girl #1: "What?? YOU'RE the one who cheated!"
Girl #2(looking at Girl 1 like she is stupid): "Exactly! I don't want a boyfriend I can cheat on, do I?"

Little Boy sitting on his dad's shoulders: Pointing to Dog Poo. 'That's dog Poo, we don't eat that!'
Dad: *Laughing* 'You're right, we don't eat that.'
Little Boy: 'Daddy when I'm older, will I be tall like you?'
Dad: 'Yeah, but you have to eat all your vegetables to grow big and strong.'
Little Boy: *thinking* 'I'd rather eat the dog Poo...'

Must be better then mums cooking, hey kid?

Chavette: 'Have you done that homework yet?'
Chav: 'Nah..'
Chavette: 'Why not you're so lazy.'
Chav: 'I'm not lazy!'
Chavette: 'Then why haven't you done the homework.??'
Chav: 'You know I don't like reading I find it really hard 'casue I'm dispeptic innit?'
Chavette: 'Oh yeah I forgot.'

American tourist talking to his wife: "Damed British! After all, we saved them from being overrun by the Ivans in WW II."
His wife answers: "No, honey, it was the Fascists."
He adds: "Whatever. But the Germans are much more thankful for what we did for them."

Suit1: 'What's that?'
Suit2: 'Watercress'
Suit1: 'F**k off, that's a vegetable!'
Suit2: 'Your teacher will be very happy'
Suit1: 'But it's a f**king vegetable!'
Suit2: 'Indeed'

A young mother to her daughter, perhaps five years old, who dared to venture more than an arm's lenght away from her:

"Morgan! COME HERE! Do you remember that film we watched about perverts? Now hold my hand!"

Two girls get on a train holding Panini sandwiches. Having failed to read the label properly, the girls proceed to pronounce the name of the food incorrectly.

Girl #1 -'My poonanny tastes great, how's yours?'
Girl #2 -'Sooooo good! My poonanny is filled with ham and cheese, what's in yours?'
Girl #1 -'Cheese and roasted vegetables. Wanna try a bit of my poonanny?'
Girl #2 tries some*
Girl #2 -'Mmmm. Your poonanny tastes goooood. Want some of mine?'
Girl #1 tries some*
Girl #1 -'Mmmm. That is so tasty. I can't believe we've never tried a poonanny before...'

Malaysia court fines adulterers four buffaloes

A Malaysian court has fined a man and a woman four buffaloes and a pig after they were found guilty of an extra-marital affair, a local report says.

The pair were convicted by the Native Court in Penampang on Borneo island, after the man's wife lodged a complaint last year, said the Star newspaper.

She had found her husband wearing shorts at his second home with her colleague, who was wearing a sarong.

The court in Sabah state rejected their claim they were just "best friends".

Convicting the pair under customary local laws, Judge William Sampil said on Friday there was strong evidence the pair had had an affair, reported the Star.

They were ordered to compensate their communities with the livestock, valued at about 6,500 ringgit ($1,900; £1,200) for their tryst.

They were also reportedly each fined 1,000 ringgit

An Indonesian man has been given compensation after a cigarette he was smoking exploded, taking out six teeth.
Andi Susanto, 31, told Indonesian media the cigarette had blown up in his mouth while he was riding a motorcycle.

He accepted a payment of 5m rupiah ($535; £335) and all his medical costs from PT Nojorono Tobacco, makers of the brand of cigarette he was smoking.

Police are investigating what caused the blast, but Mr Susanto said he would try to give up smoking now anyway.
He told the Jakarta Post newspaper he had been smoking since he was a schoolboy and had never had any problems.

"The incident was all so unexpected," he said.

He told Metro TV the company had talked to his family and agreed to "settle it amicably" with an out-of-court settlement.
A spokesman for Clas Mild cigarettes, the brand Mr Susanto had been smoking, said there were no plans for a recall.

"We are communicating with the police and still waiting on the forensic laboratory tests," Iwan Sulistyo told the Jakarta Globe.

"We do not put any strange materials in the cigarettes, so we think that this is a weird case. This is the first time for us."
Indonesia has one of the highest smoking rates in the world, with more than 60% of men smoking regularly.