I got wood…..

Iris Robinson, an MP, an MLA and a councillor, obtained £50,000 from two property developers.

The money was paid to her 19-year-old lover Kirk McCambley to help him launch a new cafe. She later asked him for £5,000 for herself.

Mrs Robinson was said to be unable to comment for health reasons.

Spotlight also reported that her husband Peter Robinson became aware of the money she had received from the developers.

There's a song in there right?

As I was boarding a crowded Hammersmith & City Line train from Kings Cross, the platform controller announced in a very thick Cockney accent, "Let the passengers off the train before boardin', people, that way there's more room for you to get on, y'see - come on now folks, use your loaf!"

A drunken young woman stumbles onto a Northern Line train with a group of her friends. Taking a moment to compose herself, she stands up straight, squares her shoulders, points to a man sitting in the middle of the carriage and announces in a loud voice: 'THAT man... is a lesbian! (*whispered*) Look, you can see it in his eyes!'

2 white blokes on a bus doing along by Denmark Hill.

White bloke #1 (looking out of the bus and onto the street): 'It's all shit round here.'
White bloke #2: 'All these fucking immigrants.'
White bloke #1: 'Yeah. If there was a country without immigrants I'd go and live there.'

Ed Note: And if there was a country like that and you moved there, who would want to come and visit you tosser ;-)

"All-you-can-drink" promotions could be banned and compulsory identity checks introduced under government proposals to crack down on alcohol abuse.

If the plans for England and Wales are approved, bars will also not be able to hold speed-drinking competitions.

Retailers or publicans in breach of the code could be fined or jailed.

ED Note: Yeah...thats all we need in this country, more fuckin drunks.

China rejects claims of cyber attacks on Google

China has denied any state involvement in alleged cyber attacks on Google and accused the US of double standards.

A Chinese industry ministry spokesman told the state-run Xinhua news agency that claims that Beijing was behind recent cyber attacks were "groundless".

"Isn't it true that even in the United States, the homeland of Google, certain government agencies are also reported of often entering a massive number of personal e-mail accounts with certain excuses?"
China Daily newspaper

( ED Note: If you want my opinion they should take all the stinkin corrupt Chinese leaders into the middle of Tienanmen square and beat the shit out of them with cricket bats and then dump them in the poorest part of China to recoup, and see how long they last without their mistresses, Mercedes, French Chefs and Servants )

Two girls, 14-15 years old, are talking.

Girl #1: "So he got you roses for Valentines day, did he?"
Girl #2: "Yeah..."
Girl #1: "Even though you told him you cheated??"
Girl #2: "Yep"
Girl #1: "So why are you not happy?"
Girl #2: "Well, I'm thinking about dumping him..."
Girl #1: "What?? YOU'RE the one who cheated!"
Girl #2(looking at Girl 1 like she is stupid): "Exactly! I don't want a boyfriend I can cheat on, do I?"

Little Boy sitting on his dad's shoulders: Pointing to Dog Poo. 'That's dog Poo, we don't eat that!'
Dad: *Laughing* 'You're right, we don't eat that.'
Little Boy: 'Daddy when I'm older, will I be tall like you?'
Dad: 'Yeah, but you have to eat all your vegetables to grow big and strong.'
Little Boy: *thinking* 'I'd rather eat the dog Poo...'

Must be better then mums cooking, hey kid?

Pain relievers: generic-brand wins. The active ingredients in a name-brand pain reliever and its generic counterpart are identical. Name brands cost more because part of the revenue is used by pharmaceutical companies to cover the costs of research and development, not because of increased efficacy. There are often differences in the inactive ingredients in medication, however, and this could mean differences in how fast the drug is absorbed or in side effects. It's worthwhile to give the generic brands a chance by testing to determine how well they work for you.

Certain toiletries: name-brand wins. I've done quite a bit of experimenting, and I've come to the conclusion that given an option, I prefer Cottonelle and Quilted Northern over store brands. I have not yet found a store brand option that is comfortable. I'm willing to pay a little extra for that comfort.

Gasoline: generic-brand wins. The price difference between the gasoline offered at the name-brand stations is often significantly more expensive than the gasoline sold by off-brand stations. Oddly, the off-brand stations often receive their delivery from the same tank trucks that deliver to the name-brand stations, and even name-brand stations can receive gasoline from a different name-brand refinery. There is little incentive to pay more than the lowest-priced gasoline you can find.

Clothing: name-brand wins. For a long time, I purchased the least expensive clothing I could find, leading me to stores like Old Navy when I was younger and Kohl's more recently. While I saved some money in the short-term, the clothing did not last long - and in some cases, didn't fit right after a few times worn and washed. I've found that purchasing finer brands off-season increases the chance the clothing will last longer, lowering the "cost per wear" of each item. I stay away from designer brands, as you pay a premium for the label, not necessarily quality.

1. Pick up found change. I once believed it wasn't worth the effort to save the pennies, nickels, dimes, and even quarters that caught my eye when walking down the street. After talking to individuals who regularly pick up money from the ground and put it in their pocket, I now believe that keeping an eye out for shiny coins is worthwhile. This can add hundreds of dollars to your savings account each year.

2. Re-budget. Here is how most people create a budget: Step one. Guess how much your necessities cost each month. Step two. Try to stay within those limits. Step three. In three months, forget that you ever created a budget. It's time to refresh the budget. Rather than guess, take a look at your actual spending and reduce your limits to only what is necessary.

3. Reward yourself. If you give yourself a present when you reach a savings goal, you might be able to reinforce the positive behaviors that led you to achieve. Visualize your progress by putting a chart on the wall and updating your progress by coloring in more area with every deposit. With a clear goal and treats to tempt you, you will save more.

4. Start a coupon collective. The internet has made finding deals featuring coupons much easier, with great websites like FatWallet and Groupon. Don't ignore traditional coupons, though. These websites are great for providing you with coupons for items you don't need to buy. You might find better coupons for your grocery shopping in the local newspaper. Work with your friends and co-workers to create a pool of coupons. Look through your papers and circulars for the coupons you need and add the coupons you don't need to the pool. Your friends or co-workers will benefit from the savings you don't need and will add to the pool items that might interest you.

5. Get rid of your pets. Taking care of animals properly is an expensive endeavor. At the risk of sounding heartless, if you can't afford to care for pets, you should not have any. Find the pets a good home with a family that has the means to secure food, shelter, and regular veterinary visits. Some pet owners I know could have purchased a house with the money they spent on their beloved animals.

6. If you use credit cards, use the right cards. If you don't pay off your credit card balances in full every month, you're paying interest and possibly other fees to the credit card companies. That's an unnecessary expense. Get rid of those cards and spend less than you earn. If you do use credit cards properly, find the best cash back credit cards based on your spending patterns to add cash back to your bank account.

[See Why Consumers are Shunning Plastic]

7. Use less. Many consumer products are designed for depletion or replacement. Rather than disinfectant wipes, buy cheaper disinfectant spray, which can be watered down while still being effective, and paper towels. You can use much less soap or detergent than the package recommends, and you can even make your own from inexpensive ingredients. One of my big successes, both in finance and in health, has been replacing my expensive cartridge razor blades with a safety razor system.

8. Switch to store brands and generic brands. The products with a generic brand are often just as good as their brand-name counterparts. While there are some exceptions, it is worthwhile to by store brands or other cheaper options to determine which products offer the best compromise between price and performance. I prefer generic over-the-counter pain relievers, for example.

9. Move away from expensive locations. You can save more money by moving to a part of the country -- or the world -- where the cost of living is much less. You may need to make some sacrifices in culture or amenities, but moving might be the difference of being able to afford to live wherever you want later in retirement or being forced to work until you are physically unable.

10. Don't have children. It could cost $200,000 or more to raise one child from birth to age 18, just for the necessities like food, clothing and entertainment. While children might help to care for you in your old age, you can't count on that being the case, and if you invest the money would have otherwise spent on children you will likely be able to care for yourself.

Some of these ideas may be unpopular. When saving as much money as possible is imperative, however, no idea should be automatically taken off the table. Take all the typical advice like canceling cable television, buying gently-used cars, spending less than you earn, and opening a high-yield savings account, but don't stop there. The future is uncertain, and increasing your savings will prepare you for anything.

Chavette: 'Have you done that homework yet?'
Chav: 'Nah..'
Chavette: 'Why not you're so lazy.'
Chav: 'I'm not lazy!'
Chavette: 'Then why haven't you done the homework.??'
Chav: 'You know I don't like reading I find it really hard 'casue I'm dispeptic innit?'
Chavette: 'Oh yeah I forgot.'

American tourist talking to his wife: "Damed British! After all, we saved them from being overrun by the Ivans in WW II."
His wife answers: "No, honey, it was the Fascists."
He adds: "Whatever. But the Germans are much more thankful for what we did for them."

Suit1: 'What's that?'
Suit2: 'Watercress'
Suit1: 'F**k off, that's a vegetable!'
Suit2: 'Your teacher will be very happy'
Suit1: 'But it's a f**king vegetable!'
Suit2: 'Indeed'

A young mother to her daughter, perhaps five years old, who dared to venture more than an arm's lenght away from her:

"Morgan! COME HERE! Do you remember that film we watched about perverts? Now hold my hand!"

Two girls get on a train holding Panini sandwiches. Having failed to read the label properly, the girls proceed to pronounce the name of the food incorrectly.

Girl #1 -'My poonanny tastes great, how's yours?'
Girl #2 -'Sooooo good! My poonanny is filled with ham and cheese, what's in yours?'
Girl #1 -'Cheese and roasted vegetables. Wanna try a bit of my poonanny?'
Girl #2 tries some*
Girl #2 -'Mmmm. Your poonanny tastes goooood. Want some of mine?'
Girl #1 tries some*
Girl #1 -'Mmmm. That is so tasty. I can't believe we've never tried a poonanny before...'

Malaysia court fines adulterers four buffaloes

A Malaysian court has fined a man and a woman four buffaloes and a pig after they were found guilty of an extra-marital affair, a local report says.

The pair were convicted by the Native Court in Penampang on Borneo island, after the man's wife lodged a complaint last year, said the Star newspaper.

She had found her husband wearing shorts at his second home with her colleague, who was wearing a sarong.

The court in Sabah state rejected their claim they were just "best friends".

Convicting the pair under customary local laws, Judge William Sampil said on Friday there was strong evidence the pair had had an affair, reported the Star.

They were ordered to compensate their communities with the livestock, valued at about 6,500 ringgit ($1,900; £1,200) for their tryst.

They were also reportedly each fined 1,000 ringgit

An Indonesian man has been given compensation after a cigarette he was smoking exploded, taking out six teeth.
Andi Susanto, 31, told Indonesian media the cigarette had blown up in his mouth while he was riding a motorcycle.

He accepted a payment of 5m rupiah ($535; £335) and all his medical costs from PT Nojorono Tobacco, makers of the brand of cigarette he was smoking.

Police are investigating what caused the blast, but Mr Susanto said he would try to give up smoking now anyway.
He told the Jakarta Post newspaper he had been smoking since he was a schoolboy and had never had any problems.

"The incident was all so unexpected," he said.

He told Metro TV the company had talked to his family and agreed to "settle it amicably" with an out-of-court settlement.
A spokesman for Clas Mild cigarettes, the brand Mr Susanto had been smoking, said there were no plans for a recall.

"We are communicating with the police and still waiting on the forensic laboratory tests," Iwan Sulistyo told the Jakarta Globe.

"We do not put any strange materials in the cigarettes, so we think that this is a weird case. This is the first time for us."
Indonesia has one of the highest smoking rates in the world, with more than 60% of men smoking regularly.

Woman #1 in her thirties shouting out joyfully while the bus passes Eccleston Bridge:
'Oh, oh, look at the train! The train is moving, it's going fast!'
Woman #2 next to her in a warm and caring voice: 'Yes dear, the train is leaving the station.'
Woman #1, suddenly confused and worried: 'Shit! Fuck the train, where's my son?'

In a guitar shop...Sexist Pig
Man to girlfriend: 'Women shouldn't be allowed to buy guitars as all they care about is the colour.'
Girlfriend: 'Well all men are wankers.'

Although this was in Brighton, I'm a Londoner.

Drunk Girl: "Oy! Nice dick!"
Disgruntled Man: "Nice f**kin' tits!"
Drunk Girl's Friend (to Drunk Girl): "You just can't go saying things like that, that's disgusting!"

No. 1: Collier County, Fla.
Arriving average income per capita: $76,161
Departing average income per capita: $26,128
Stationary household average income per capita: $49,959
Total arriving people: 15,150
Total departing people: 16,802
Top origin: Lee County, Fla. (2,987 people)

No. 2: Greene County, Ga.
Arriving average income per capita: $56,414
Departing average income per capita: $25,432
Stationary household average income per capita: $30,875
Total arriving people: 788
Total departing people: 778
Top origin: Putnam County, Ga. (76 people)

No. 3: Nassau County, Fla.
Arriving average income per capita: $51,833
Departing average income per capita: $29,312
Stationary household average income per capita: $32,306
Total arriving people: 4,785
Total departing people: 3,690
Top origin: Duval County, Fla. (1,721 people)

No. 4: Llano County, Texas
Arriving average income per capita: $44,324
Departing average income per capita: $22,541
Stationary household average income per capita: $26,201
Total arriving people: 1,192
Total departing people: 1,018
Top origin: Burnet County, Texas (312 people)

No. 5: Walton County, Fla.
Arriving average income per capita: $45,591
Departing average income per capita: $28,360
Stationary household average income per capita: $30,553
Total arriving people: 3,939
Total departing people: 3,230
Top origin: Okaloosa County, Fla. (1,148 people)